Magnito the Communicator

I majored in communication, and I can't make this shit up. It's fantastic. (Now) former coworker, who shall henceforth be called Magnito for reasons soon to be revealed, has a stellar bar persona. I had an inkling, but had no idea it could get this good.

Picture it, Black Rooster Pub, 2005. (That's black cock pub for you gutter-minds.) Magnito wooed the hell out of my roommate all night, and laid out such smooth lines that the rest of us couldn't help but write them down. The man is a genius. Roommate will be called Staci in the transcript below, as that is what Magnito called her. (Even though it's not her actual name. Classic.)

I should preface by saying two things. First, it helps (at least for me) to remember these little snippets of heaven as they're actually said - in a thick, Indian accent. That's right, Magnito's from India, baby. Only the best from my programmers. Second, some of these quotations may or may not have been taken out of context. Magnito is usually your typical, gentlemanly, polite coworker. Easily embarrassed, usually appropriate. Glad I threw some shots into the mix! I'd have never known! Regardless, none of this is fabricated. It's quality stuff, my friends.

Staci: You have a magnetic cock?
Magnito: Yes, of course I do…
Staci: Really?
Magnito: There’s only one way to find out.

Magnito: I’ve never had a nipple.

Magnito: We’re going to make-out?
Staci: Later.
Magnito: Oh, my lady (kissing her hand)
Staci: That’s right my lord.

Magnito: Say it again, Bitch. If Duchess pays $50, we’re gonna tongue.

Magnito: If everyone was at the same level I am…All I want to do is talk, baby…

Magnito: That is such a bullshitty thingy

Magnito: Are you getting there Staci? Am I looking any more handsome?
Staci: Are you pressuring me?
Magnito: Do you want to be pressured? Then hell yes.

Magnito: I’m sorry. I was disturbed by your breasts.

(Magnito putting on lip gloss) Magnito: My lips are niiice.

Magnito: If you grab my right breast I’ll give you whatever you want.

Magnito: Busyhands, right here. Crap, goddamn it!! What the fuck am I doing tonight?

And now, recorded online forever. Never to be erased from the history books of the blog. God bless it.

Ignatius falls

For all (two) of you, my loyal blog readers, the time has come. Ignatius, made famous by my first blog entry ever, has fallen. He was my favorite calendar man from the cowboy calendar given to me by HO two Christmases ago. He lasted several extra months, and was my hottest prospect for quite some time. But now that I've discovered a kind, handsome, mature, smart, considerate, responsible, adventurous, caring, sexy, giving man practically in my backyard, Ignatius and I must part. I'm alright so far; thank you for asking. Poor Ignatius is crushed. He closed his page and refuses to look at me. It's for the best, I suppose. Nothing good could come from holding on to our past.

Farewell, Ignatius. You were good to me. But in the words of Scotty-two, I had to trade up. They all trade up.

One love.