My coworkers are actually doll-faces most of the time. I am lucky to have a good job and a roof over my head. I am blessed with work. I have kind friends and a supportive family.
Then why, I ask, am I so frustrated? Let's talk about it. Job, good, but not my career. Who the hell knows when that will show up. Maybe I'll go to Hawaii to look for it. Friends, most of them are getting on my nerves. Thank God for Jack M, Rissy, and my Chicago crazy couple. Just thinking of them all makes me feel better. Family, they're great, but they're not here. And I wonder if they were here (or I were there) if I'd be any happier. And finally, boyfriend. Holy crap, that's a huge mess in my head. Do I love him? Do I need him? Do I want him? Is he good for me? Probably not, but I sure am feeling dependent. Way too dependent, if you ask me. I don't like it. Can't let go, though. Not yet. Effing mess.
Ew. This is not happiness. But did I not just finish the Kite Runner? Why should I be complaining when there are starving, abused children all over the world? I ain't got nothing on them. Do I just suck it up and smile? Be grateful? Or is that a lack of ambition? Is that fear? This relationship has made me weaker, less myself. Unhappy.
But I can't say that out loud. That would make it real. That would mean that I have to end it. When I have so much more I want to get out of it. Is this something I can get better at? I'm so worried about it I'm ending sentences with prepositions. Good God.
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