Racism?!?

Holy crap. I came across this site today, and I'm infuriated. (I couldn't help but comment as "Midwesterner.") And from reading these comments, I looked at this site. Also infuriating. I didn't read the whole site (I do work some of the time, folks), but the racist comments on the first site and the anti-semitic views on the second site almost had me in tears. How can these views still exist?! I am so very disappointed in our society sometimes. This makes me want to have 14 children so I can simply ensure the continuance of civil rights in our country with their votes. This should not be necessary! AAAAGHGHGHGH!

My insightful girls

I've got girls all over. The Indigo Girls are currently soothing me in itunes. Love 'em. And of course I've got the girlfriends. I can't express how wonderful they've been to me. My savior at work has been Latiberry, the sweetest, wisest woman ever. And SO fun-loving. I can't get over her - she's just the best. My savior over email has been Riss. Now, I don't know where all of her wisdom came from, considering she's . . . 22? Good Lord. But the girl is amazing, and says all the right things. Both women are social workers, go figure. Anyway, they've made me think such good, strong, and smart things. Not to mention my kind, supportive roommate, my sweet and always loving Queen B, my every-present, phenomenal Jack M., my tender mother, and countless others. I am blessed.

As you can see from my last entry, I've been having a rough patch. More like a rough sea, it feels. Regardless, these wonderful women (ok, and men) in my life have been so dear. They give me perspective. And do I need it! (Is the pope Catholic? Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?)

Thanks, all. I swear I'm getting better.

Warning: not an entertaining entry!

If you happen to be reading this blog for fun, I’d recommend skipping this particular entry. It’s all self-pity and introspection. This is essentially my diary, as I am too lazy to write by hand, so this is where the shit feelings go. I have all of these thoughts swimming around in my head and I have to get them out somehow.

I'm obsessing over this break-up. I haven't talked to the ex in quite a while, and at first I thought that was good - give me time to get over things. But the more I don't talk to him, the more elusive he seems, and that drives me crazy. I know he's staying away from me to give me the time and space I need. But I'll catch a fleeting glimpse of him from time to time out the window, and I see his car every bloody morning when I leave the house. There's just no escaping it.

My thoughts and feelings about the relationship have changed. First of all, I don't think I miss him. Yeah, I miss knowing how he is, having someone there, sex, etc. But I don't think I miss HIM. However, I'm just as upset as ever, and I think I know why:

1. Rejection. Nobody likes it, I feel it, and that sucks.

2. He was really excited about me at first. It wasn't until he got to know me that he lost interest. And he's this great guy. So, we have this great guy who gets to know me and decides, "No thanks!" That hurts.

3. I don't like the way I handled myself in the relationship. I became insecure, needy, and clingy. I don't like being that way, so it made me feel worse about myself, and I regret acting that way. So even though I'm sure that this relationship wouldn't have worked out anyway, it kills me that I feel I screwed things up, and that he and I will both remember me as this clingy, insecure person. I hate that so much, and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. I’ve never been that person until this relationship.

I went to Ohio last weekend to visit the family. Lovely visit, lovely drive home on Sunday evening. Then I walked onto my back porch to find a neighborhood cookout, and of course he was there. He opened the door for me twice while I carried things in, but didn't say one word. I know he's being careful so as not to upset me, but it felt weird. I marched straight up to my room and haven’t stopped crying since.

This sucks. I'm trying so hard, but this huge sadness keeps sneaking up on me. It catches me off guard, ruins my days, and makes me feel incredibly weak. And I don't think it's all about the ex. For some reason I keep comparing myself to him. God knows why. And that makes me feel horrible. He loves his job (mine is fine, but I have no career direction), he makes tons of money (me, not so much), he loves his friends (I don't have the close local friendships I used to), he's incredibly healthy and active, while I sit at home half the time feeling sorry for myself and thinking about the fun he's having NOT thinking about me. It's a terrible pattern. I'm not really excited about anything right now. And of course, I'd rather be content and even happy with myself and my life instead of having to distract myself all the time. I don't know if this is something I just have to deal with for a little while longer, or if I have to make some changes in my life. I'm just unhappy. Bottom line.

So. Wave your magic wand and fix this mess, please. I simply will not tolerate it any longer. I miss being in a relationship, but if I become one of those people who thinks she needs a man to make her happy, I swear I’ll join a convent.

Heeeeeeeere's Regression!

Not a good night. I came home Sunday night to find the ex on my back porch. All of the neighbors were having a cookout at our place. I played it cool. I was carrying a bunch of stuff, so he opened the door for me a couple of times, but didn't say a word. After I had all of my things in, I went straight to my room and bawled. I HATE regressing like this. I thought I was doing so well after that weekend at home. I wasn't even sad on the drive back. Damnit! So I've been in a funk ever since. Last night, today. I'm back to being sad. Can't stop crying. This sucks!

On a lighter note, my good friend Dude is coming this week to visit. She might be coming in tonight, I'm not sure. I definitely don't get to see her very often, so that'll be a nice distraction this week.

Aaarrrghghghghh! I shouldn't HAVE to have distractions anymore! I'm so pissed!

Rearranged my room!

It's lovely! I'm going to get rid of some things, I think. The room looks great, the moving around was cathartic, and my sweet buddies helped me. : )

Back to bed and the Red Tent. Read it? So far so good!

Mixed feelings

I feel like I should have better documented my post break-up phases so I can look back and get some perspective. Oh well. Maybe I'll go through some old emails and backtrack for documentation later. We broke up on July 7, so it's officially been over a month, and it still sucks ass. I really thought I could mentally conquer this. I figured, if I straightened things out in my head, I could control my feelings. Not the case.

Here's what my head has been doing lately. I still think about him quite a lot, but not constantly. More than anything else, though. I have several reactions to thoughts on him:

1. I miss him so much. I want to cry and sink into his arms. Let him rock me to sleep. God, I miss being held.
2. I wonder how he's doing. In a slightly platonic way, I'd like an update. How is work going? Are his friends all doing well? How is his family? What's new with him? It feels unnatural to not know the general goings on, since he's been such a big piece of my day to day life.
3. I just want to give him a big hug. We're both mourning the loss of our relationship (though it feels like I'm the only one who's mourning, since I have no clue how he's doing), so I naturally want to go through this WITH him. Obviously that can't happen. It's pretty f-ing hard.
4. I want to punch him in the gut for hurting me. Sometimes I'm really mad at him.
5. Mostly, I want him to check in and see how I'm doing. A phone call. An email. Something that shows that he cares and has concern. I know he cares, and I'm sure he's giving me space to deal with this on my own - smart - but it would be so nice to hear from him.

Best seats in the house, baby!

I, Duchess, am going to the Nationals game tonight. Sure, I've been to see them before. Always a good time. But have I gone when they're playing the Dodgers? No. And have gone with 6TH ROW TICKETS? No, no I have not.

But that's what I'm doing tonight! Hurrah! Thanks to the boss lady for thinking of me with those posh corporate comps!

Best. Show. Ever.

Six Feet Under is SO VERY AWESOME!!! Sorry to yell, but I just watched episode 60 on HBO on demand, and I'm psyched. Those writers, directors, and actors are freaking brilliant. I love it. Love it.