Pissy

I'm trying to stay positive. A friend of mine really pissed me off last night. I disappointed her, she pointed it out, I apologized several times (although it was seriously not a big deal), and she remained quiet. We talked after that, but I felt awkward. There are things that I let slide for this person all the time, and she didn't accept my apology. We're very different. When she has a negative opinion about something or someone, she feels the need to make it known. Adamantly, and in my opinion, in a hostile fashion. I, on the other hand, prefer to focus on the positive and try not to vocalize the negative unless it seems necessary to move forward, or I simply need to vent. I'm not very confrontational, and I'm sure that's part of it.

So here's what happens. When she bothers me, I try to focus on other things and let it go. There are more important things to think about, and what's done is done. Why create more drama? Move on, remember lessons learned for next time, and keep in mind the positive elements. She's a kind friend, good listener, smart, dependable, etc.

But when I bother her, she feels that it's necessary to address it, discuss it, and elaborate on however I let her down. In a way, I know she's standing up for herself, and I respect that. But something about her communication style in these conversations makes me feel very much attacked. I remain shaken for hours, if not days, and I feel almost hated. Unfortunately, I'm still too invested in what others think of me, and this certainly contributes to my reaction.

Part of me feels slighted because last night, for example, I felt let down by her in three different ways. But it's not worth the stress of a confrontation about it to get whatever's bothering me off my chest. So why does she get off the hook for her shitty behavior and I have to suffer for mine? When her offenses were worse? Because she chooses to address her problem, and I choose not to address mine. It's not worth it. I'd rather not cause a rift. It doesn't seem necessary. Bottom line: we're different, and I just feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

I wish I could write her off, but I care about her a lot, work on multiple committees with her, and live with her. So.... that's pretty much out of the question. I suppose I need to work on NOT taking everything so personally, being more objective, and stop apologizing all the effing time. It would also help if she weren't so damn self-righteous. Blech. Feel free to advise. I'll take all the help I can get.