Italy update, confidential style

I have another blog.  Not cheating on you here, but the other one is public, and co-written by K, who's living here in Genova.  I try to keep my entries on the other blog limited to fun, interesting stories for my friends and family.

This blog is for me.  I've told (almost) no one about it so I don't feel inhibited about what I write.  Last night I had a great talk with Joyce about how things are going here, and it really made me feel better.  Here are the basics:

Life is hard.  (Duh.)  

1. I start teaching next week, and it's scary.  I'm already a lazy person in general, and I haven't worked in almost a month now.  Motivation does not come easily to me.  Plus, teaching will be something new, surprising, and difficult.  Joyce gave me some really good pointers - be myself, accept the fact that I'll make mistakes and the world will not end, etc.  

2. Everything is harder to do here than back home.  I knew this going in.  Of course, experiencing it firsthand is an entirely different matter.  I'm pretty good at appreciating the small things and being optimistic.  However, Kim deals by venting to me, and I tend to suck in her problems instead of letting them remain hers alone.  So her stresses, on top of mine, are making me unhappy and frustrated with her.  What is supposed to me a mutual commiseration and shared experience is starting to feel like the Kim show.  I'm sure she's been patient with me in ways that I haven't seen, and I want to be patient with her because I know she's scared, too.  It's a challenge, and I'm annoyed.  She literally asks me every day, "I don't know what to do.  What should I do?"  I don't know!  Be an adult!  Figure it out!  I'm dealing with my own stuff here!

Ok, there's one specific instance that I have to get off my chest.  It's a complaint, so if you're not in the mood, skip this paragraph.  We were out for pizza the other day, and people were playing music at the restaurant, then going from table to table asking for money.  (They didn't work for the restaurant.)  This happened with three bands during the 45 minutes we were there.  They are very persistent and in your face.  Additionally, a very dirty homeless man went from table to table asking for money.  (This is always a struggle for me.  We did not give him money.  I don't know if the situation is similar to that in America.  How do they spend it?  Are there local philanthropic organizations they could use, where I know my money would be spent on food/shelter?  What's the right thing to do?)  So anyway, we don't give him money, he moves on to another table, and we continue with our meal.  K's back is to the man, but I can still see him asking for money in his ragged clothes, with a limp, defeated face, etc.  I'm sympathetic.  K has moved on, understandably.  The next sentence out of her mouth  is, "So I'm going to buy a really expensive, designer bag while I'm here.  [big grin with clapping]  Yay!  I'm so excited!"  I'm disgusted.  I say nothing.  Who am I to say anything?  But still.  Disgusted.  Sure, I've considered the same thing at times.  But moments after snubbing the hungry homeless man?  And maybe he wasn't hungry.  Maybe he just wanted liquor.  Or maybe he was.  I don't know.  It just makes me.... unhappy.  I didn't like the situation at all.

3. Perspective is interesting these days.  There are times when I think about how much easier life in DC was.  I had friends, spoke the language, knew where to buy everything, understood the road signs (because there are road signs there), had a good job, wasn't far from my family, etc.  Why am I here?  Forcing difficult situations, bothering people who already have things figured out, embarrassing myself, burning through my savings, taking major risks, cutting myself off from my own culture, snubbing a good job in a drowning economy - am I insane?  Then I think - go back at Christmas, you fake!  You're not a teacher, and you were lucky to have the job you did.  Quit this selfish nonsense - you can't make it here anyway.  Sure, it was nice to learn a few new words, but you don't have the stamina or work ethic to really do this.  Stop kidding yourself.

Then I think, why not?  Sure it's going to be reeeeeally hard at first!  Sure I'll question myself, screw things up, bother people, worry about money.  Maybe I'll waste a lot of it, maybe I'll spend a bunch of money, live through a really challenging experience, and go back to America after a year and live a similar life to what I had before.  Would that be so bad?  I'll have had some major exposure to international life, interesting experiences that will affect me in ways I cannot predict, and see the world!  When I step back and look at it from a life philosophy perspective, it's clearly the right thing to be doing right now.  It's just hard, yo.  Like life.

4. My roommates are really cool and nice.  They're patient with me, considerate, smokers (ew), friendly, like movies, help me out, and speak some decent English.  They're upstairs chatting right now.  Sometimes, very irrationally, I think, "Seriously?  You're still speaking in Italian?  Can't we take a break here?"  Of course, I'm IN Italy, so hopefully that'll sink in soon.  : )

So basically I'm going through some growing pains.  Appreciating it in a big-picture kind of way, but only really feeling the immediate pains at the moment.  This afternoon K "needs" me to go to the computer store with her and help her figure out a new internet problem.  Afterwards, we're walking down to the beach to enjoy the ocean and go out for dinner.  In Italy.

So really, can I complain?