Not a Mom

Still trying to be patient, adult, etc. Things aren't going well in the crush department. I've all but written him off as long-term relationship material (for me, compatibility-wise), and I started opening up about how unhappy he seems in general. He's bringing me down. Now I'm getting a little cold shoulder action. Not straight out ignoring, but he's not contacting me today. Which is out of the ordinary for him. Which means something is going on. And I'm worried about how upset he is.

Things:

-I don't want him to feel judged.

-I'm not getting much out of our relationship.

-I deserve someone who makes me feel good. More than good. Alive, smart, ambitious, etc. I feel all those things on my own, but I want to find someone who highlights or enhances my traits that I enjoy. I'm feeling drained.

Now that the initial fun crush stuff has worn off, he's opening up more. And that's revealed two bad things: I don't like some things about him that he seems to find endearing about himself; and most of his chosen conversational topics are about how his life sucks. Not only is that not fun for me, but being around it makes me physically and mentally uncomfortable, as in, get-me-outta-here.

There's totally some maternal quality in me that wants to help pick him up and make him better, but that's not what I'm looking for! And not what I should be doing, especially in a girlfriend role.

B to the OOOOOO.

I'm a grown up. Sometimes.

Ok, so we had the talk and it went well. And things are going well. And the guy is a really good kisser, and he's incredibly sweet to me and he loves movies, so it's good. Thing is, it's not fireworks. And I kinda expect fireworks when I find the person who can be MY person. But I've heard stories.... "I wasn't attracted to him at all when we first met," ..... "He asked me out 16 times before I finally said yes," ..... "I never thought it would last, and here we are, 35 years later!" Of course, I have to follow my gut. That's the thing to do.

But what am I good at doing? Overanalyzing, of course. I'm truly trying to cut back, and a good friend gave me some good advice. As long as we're having a good time, then keep having fun and see what happens. When it stops being fun, then take a different route. Good. Reasonable. Thank you.

And it Is fun, so that's pretty nice.

Next steps: I may soon get to the point of talking to my parents about him. They want to know what's going on in my life, etc. And he is. So. I kinda already told some peeps, but not mom. 'Cause her FIRST question will be, "Is he Catholic?" She won't ask his name, where he lives, what he does, how he treats me, how he makes me feel, none of it until she knows he's a good Christian, preferably Catholic, boy. And I just don't want to go there. The guy is basically agnostic, with comforts taken in the idea of some kind of higher power. She will have a problem with this, and this could prompt me to explain that I actually think the same things he does. While she will find Tragic. I just.... don't have the energy.

Terrible?

Being a Grown Up

is hard. My crush and I have started dating, which is really nice. He's all kinds of nice. But he's quickly become all kinds of suffocating. Now, in the past, I *may* have been quick to judge some dudes, finding deal breakers early on, and cutting things off before they could really get started. I felt totally comfortable with these decisions, but they've been mentioned as bad habits by some friends, so I'm trying to be more patient than usual.

Therefore, instead of thinking, "Gah, he obviously doesn't get it. Game over.", I'm going to try to have a talk with him about it. Hold back my judgments as much as I can, and try to pre-repair, or something. It's odd, because all of his past mistakes that make him feel self conscious or loserish are things that don't bother me so much. People make mistakes, we learn, we move on. But these inherent habits are harder for me to accept, even ones like this that are extremely well intentioned.

Anyway, I'm making him dinner tomorrow, and hopefully will get ballsy enough to get this out in the open.

In other news, I might roadtrip down to Pekin this weekend to Finally get our couch. Still up in the air; no logistics are anywhere near settled. It'll be nice to get a couch. Some day.