If you happen to be reading this blog for fun, I’d recommend skipping this particular entry. It’s all self-pity and introspection. This is essentially my diary, as I am too lazy to write by hand, so this is where the shit feelings go. I have all of these thoughts swimming around in my head and I have to get them out somehow.
I'm obsessing over this break-up. I haven't talked to the ex in quite a while, and at first I thought that was good - give me time to get over things. But the more I don't talk to him, the more elusive he seems, and that drives me crazy. I know he's staying away from me to give me the time and space I need. But I'll catch a fleeting glimpse of him from time to time out the window, and I see his car every bloody morning when I leave the house. There's just no escaping it.
My thoughts and feelings about the relationship have changed. First of all, I don't think I miss him. Yeah, I miss knowing how he is, having someone there, sex, etc. But I don't think I miss HIM. However, I'm just as upset as ever, and I think I know why:
1. Rejection. Nobody likes it, I feel it, and that sucks.
2. He was really excited about me at first. It wasn't until he got to know me that he lost interest. And he's this great guy. So, we have this great guy who gets to know me and decides, "No thanks!" That hurts.
3. I don't like the way I handled myself in the relationship. I became insecure, needy, and clingy. I don't like being that way, so it made me feel worse about myself, and I regret acting that way. So even though I'm sure that this relationship wouldn't have worked out anyway, it kills me that I feel I screwed things up, and that he and I will both remember me as this clingy, insecure person. I hate that so much, and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. I’ve never been that person until this relationship.
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This sucks. I'm trying so hard, but this huge sadness keeps sneaking up on me. It catches me off guard, ruins my days, and makes me feel incredibly weak. And I don't think it's all about the ex. For some reason I keep comparing myself to him. God knows why. And that makes me feel horrible. He loves his job (mine is fine, but I have no career direction), he makes tons of money (me, not so much), he loves his friends (I don't have the close local friendships I used to), he's incredibly healthy and active, while I sit at home half the time feeling sorry for myself and thinking about the fun he's having NOT thinking about me. It's a terrible pattern. I'm not really excited about anything right now. And of course, I'd rather be content and even happy with myself and my life instead of having to distract myself all the time. I don't know if this is something I just have to deal with for a little while longer, or if I have to make some changes in my life. I'm just unhappy. Bottom line.
So. Wave your magic wand and fix this mess, please. I simply will not tolerate it any longer. I miss being in a relationship, but if I become one of those people who thinks she needs a man to make her happy, I swear I’ll join a convent.
2 comments:
Dear Duchess:
I think that there is no reason why you should compare yourself to this ex. I think that you are probably a wonderful intelligent person who is just struggling to find out what you want. So what that he has figured out what he wants with his career and money and all of that other crap. I think you just need to put yourself out there and have some fun. Have your roomies throw a party and go out buy a hot new outfit (from walmart if $ is the issue) and doll yourself up. Make him feel like he lost out on you not the other way around. Don't look at the things you do as distractions look at them as getting on with life, they may be distractions at first but eventually they will just be part of life. Remember; No one can make you feel inferior without your concent. I think right now you are consenting. Rage againist the dying of the light. Okay that maybe a little over the top, but you know what I mean. Flip through the paper and find something you have never done and do it. The most important person in your life is you, so start treating yourself that way.
You're right, and thank you for the kind words. I don't think I want to doll up in front of the guy, but I love the bit about how no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Did Eleanor Roosevelt say that? It's absolutely right, and I'm pissed at myself for consenting. Life's a bitch, but it's teaching me a thing or two.
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