Less guilt

I'm heading out shortly to go to a White Sox game, and really looking forward to it. My brother left the house in a hurry to get to his internship, smelling strongly of weed. He returned a couple minutes later, having missed the bus. He figured out that he could catch a different bus, if he hoofed it for 15 minutes or so to another area. He just called me to say, "I normally wouldn't ask you, because I know you're heading to the game, but I just missed the second bus. [Would you come pick me up and drive me to my internship?]"

Me: "Can't. I have to leave in 15 minutes to get to the game."

Him: "Ok."

Not a dramatic exchange, by any means, but let me tell you how I've progressed. First of all, it took me a long time to be able to say no. Second, after being able to say no, I would have felt guilt for days, picturing his puppy dog eyes, his disappointment in not having his shit together, adding to his low self esteem. If I wanted the best for him, shouldn't I help?

But I'm starting to put myself first a little more. Not a lot, but like this. And I'll tell ya, knowing that he'd have caught the first bus if he hadn't spent his morning smoking up takes a Lot of the guilt away.

Saturday = Flirtyday

I finally got some flirting action, and it was So. Nice. My brother came home from music improv class and brought a couple of fellas with him to play and sing for a while. At first I thought it could be nice background music, or maybe even a nuisance, but it ended up going well into the night, and I ended up joining in on the fun.

So let me clarify. If you take my brother out of the equation (which you do), in the house were me, and two single, attractive, straight men with strong appreciation for music, comedy, and theater. Both of them surprised me. One is my age, and he has a voice that can Melt you. Melt, I say. It reminds me of George Strait's voice, but lower and stronger. Mm hm. He's a Kentucky boy with a thick accent, and kind as can be. We sang Brad Paisley and Allison Kraus together. It felt good.

The other is only 23 or 24 years old, and oddly, I felt a stronger connection with him, personality-wise. He's sweet and funny, and he may have left his FB page open after he left, and I may have looked at some of his pictures and posts on his page. Also, since he's friends with Mr. Kentucky, I got to see some of his stuff, too. Anyway, the youngster is from Belgium, went to grad school in Scotland, and just moved to Chicago in October. His dad is from Jersey, so he has no accent. Aside from English, he speaks fluent Italian, fluent French, good Spanish, and some Hebrew. He seems selfless and mature, and I like him.

If I had to guess tonight, I'm probably not ultimately compatible with either of these guys, but both were eyeing me a little bit, and that was a good feeling. Plus, I can't remember the last time I had half this interest in anyone. It's been over a year for sure. Which means it's been over a year for multiple things, which is a total bummer.

Anyway. I feel nice.

A sign of times to come?

I told my brother I'm moving out when the lease is up. I've been looking forward to it for a while. Before, that, I struggled like crazy with the decision - feeling guilty, making pro/con lists. Sadly, we're not as forthright with our feelings with each other as we should be. But that's a post of a different color. I forget how sensitive he is, and when I learn thoughts he shares with others and not me.... I feel that much more guilt, as he apparently shows great appreciation for me when I'm not around. (And to be fair, some when I am around.) But just because he appreciates me doesn't mean I can live with him forever. It's time.

And yet. I get lonely pretty easily. I love being around family. He and I have fun together. I've quite appreciated having the house to myself this evening, but now that I'm getting ready for bed, I keep thinking, "Gee, I didn't get to tell anybody about my day. Too bad he's not home yet. Maybe if I wait a few more minutes...."

What will happen when I live alone? I'm anticipating a few sad nights at least. I'm lonely right now, but not sad. I'm still pretty confident that this is the right decision, but our place here together sure does feel like a home. Am I really moving out just because I want to keep my place tidier? Not have to share a bathroom? Those reasons sound like those of a spoiled, selfish person. On top of that, doesn't living together enhance our lives more than trouble them? Shouldn't I value living with a family member more than whatever independence or privacy I'm coveting? What does this say about my priorities? Plus, this puts him in a difficult spot - his finances aren't as comfy as mine. Why should I force him to struggle more than he already does - just so I can start a prettier-on-the-surface life? Am I doing the right thing?

So there are nights like tonight when I question my decision, what I stand for, who I want to be . . . and there are nights when I think, Is the lease up yet? I sure am hoping I find a calm balance between the two soon, at least one I can reference for reassurance. 'Cause this sucks.