A sign of times to come?

I told my brother I'm moving out when the lease is up. I've been looking forward to it for a while. Before, that, I struggled like crazy with the decision - feeling guilty, making pro/con lists. Sadly, we're not as forthright with our feelings with each other as we should be. But that's a post of a different color. I forget how sensitive he is, and when I learn thoughts he shares with others and not me.... I feel that much more guilt, as he apparently shows great appreciation for me when I'm not around. (And to be fair, some when I am around.) But just because he appreciates me doesn't mean I can live with him forever. It's time.

And yet. I get lonely pretty easily. I love being around family. He and I have fun together. I've quite appreciated having the house to myself this evening, but now that I'm getting ready for bed, I keep thinking, "Gee, I didn't get to tell anybody about my day. Too bad he's not home yet. Maybe if I wait a few more minutes...."

What will happen when I live alone? I'm anticipating a few sad nights at least. I'm lonely right now, but not sad. I'm still pretty confident that this is the right decision, but our place here together sure does feel like a home. Am I really moving out just because I want to keep my place tidier? Not have to share a bathroom? Those reasons sound like those of a spoiled, selfish person. On top of that, doesn't living together enhance our lives more than trouble them? Shouldn't I value living with a family member more than whatever independence or privacy I'm coveting? What does this say about my priorities? Plus, this puts him in a difficult spot - his finances aren't as comfy as mine. Why should I force him to struggle more than he already does - just so I can start a prettier-on-the-surface life? Am I doing the right thing?

So there are nights like tonight when I question my decision, what I stand for, who I want to be . . . and there are nights when I think, Is the lease up yet? I sure am hoping I find a calm balance between the two soon, at least one I can reference for reassurance. 'Cause this sucks.